That Was The Week That Was 26-30 June 2023
What is it about airports that brings out the performative phone-talkers?
Airports are remarkable places. Where else but an airport is it ok to start drinking at 0500? You are somehow allowed special dispensation as you wait for your early flight for a mini-break trip to a city that ends in a vowel. There is also something about airports that give some men – yes, always men – some sort of liberty to not only talk on their mobile phone, we have all done that, but to do so whilst walking around in huge patterns.
After a day in an airport this week – long story, strikes in Geneva – I was led to the following conclusions about this practice. First, men only. Secondly, of the various phone-walking-territory claiming, it was 80% Americans, 10% French, 5% Italians, 5% British and 100% wankers. Thirdly, there are two specific classes of this practice. There is the there-and-backers, who pace a set path, from one point of obvious magic to another point, usually about 10 metres away. Then, there are the marauders who seem to work, and indeed walk, to no pattern at all, who exhibit Brownian motion, like a germ in a Petri dish. Perhaps they are determined to get their steps up. The overlap between these wankers and FitBit ownership is perhaps a topic for further study, but the working hypothesis must surely be a very close correlation.
The more interesting question is how to put an end to this scourge? I trialled two options. For the there-and-backers, I stood at the magical point at one end of the path. The caller would walk towards me and then turn short. After that, I moved maybe half a metre closer. Same again. After I had move about 2 metres onto the track, the caller moved the track about 45°, and set off again. Next time I am coming with a team, so that we can slowly shut down all the possible angles and trap him in a tiny circle.
For the marauders it is impossible to stand where they are likely to go next, so I changed strategy. I followed them about. At first at about two metres but then slowly I got closer. They were most, most unimpressed. One chose to question me – with the call still on-going, I should mention – and I merely said it was a free country and if one is allowed to walk about talking on a phone, I am surely free to walk about not talking on a phone. He told me to back off. Having from this confirmed his nationality, my work there was done. Again, with a team, we could have formed a conga-line behind him. Now that would have been funny. There would no doubt be audience participation too, over time.
All of which leads me to the conclusion that there is no end of entertainment at an airport if you turn your mind to it. Walker-phone talkers, we salute you.